Still trying to carry on

Here I am, almost three months to the day we said goodbye to our little boy Yorkie Harry. It’s been tough, and I mean really painful, heart-breaking tough.

Each and every day, including the time between seconds has been spent thinking about Harry. I’m still trying to process the loss, his presence, his spirit, his never-ending love, his joy, happiness and warmth he brought every day, no longer here. The ultimate soul-destroying thought being that I’ll never be able to see him again. Never be able to hold him and tell him that he’s my little boy and how much I love him. There’ll never be a way for me to accept this, so I have been trying to carry on with life as best I can, even though I’m grieving for him.

We got through Christmas, as best we can. It wasn’t the same without Harry, and we knew it wouldn’t be, so we didn’t try to pretend otherwise. We didn’t put up our usual Christmas tree with all the decorations. Instead, opted for a select few favourites which included a Santa (one of Harry’s most favourite toys), a little Yorkshire Terrier Christmas decoration and some of Harry’s other Christmas toys by his picture.

We feel the loss of him more so when we’re at home. The empty space where he’d be next to us, his basket, lead by the door and water bowls all missing from their usual places. I have kept every single item that belongs to Harry, and one day when I’m strong enough, I’ll put them away in a special drawer. Knowing that they are still there, and we can go to them at any time helps me to remember happier times with Harry, which does bring some comfort. It’s not easy holding his lead or little jacket or seeing his bed empty, but they are here with us.

Here are some other things that has helped and some things which haven’t worked for us;

What has helped?

Started going through pictures and videos – This has not been easy and for some time, I couldn’t look at them. But looking through my phone and watching videos has helped. I started to worry that I would forget Harry’s bark and what it sounded like, but I found a video of him in the garden, giving a good woof! I cried and cried some more hearing him, but I’m so glad I have that to look back on.

Bought a photo album – Another reason for going through the photos, was to make sure I could save them all in one place, so I don’t lose a single one and to print some pictures off to put into a physical photo album. Being able to look through Harry’s time with us, from day one all through the years will be something really special. There are so many wonderful memories and moments captured in those photos and I need to focus on those, not just the last awful day.

Being with Harry’s memorial stone – Harry was cremated, the only way I could make sure that Harry is put with me when I go, so he’ll never be alone. I couldn’t open the little box with the stone that holds Harry. One day, we opened it up saw the stone, a beautiful onyx stone we chose for him, along with his paw prints and hair clippings. I broke down when I first saw it all, so overwhelming to see it and hold it all. More recently I have taken one of Harry’s blankets and have put his stone on there so I can sit next to him and talk or sometimes even put him on the sofa in the sun, one of his favourite places to be.

Faced people we knew from dog-walking – There was a day coming where we would bump into someone we used to walk Harry with or see people from our local park that we used to see every day, along with their dogs they still have. This was going to be tough, the usual statements of ‘oh I’m so sorry about Harry’ and a few ‘are you getting another dog?’ thrown in. But it’s all part of the process. Now we have seen quite a few people and pulled the plaster off (so to speak) the initial awkwardness is now out of the way, which makes me feel a bit easier now leaving the house in case we bump into anyone.

Focus on happy memories - I have been keeping a journal and whilst I write about how I'm feeling losing Harry, I started writing about all the happy times and wonderfully funny little things Harry used to do. Like peeping thorugh the gaps in the stairs to watch me in the other room, so sweet.

Talking to Harry - I've been talking to Harry here and there, speaking his name out loud more often. When I'm in the garden, I'm sure I can feel him there with me, so I talk like he's right next to me, where he would be. My shadow.

Social media support - There are many positivies and negatives when it comes to social media, especially when it comes to mental health. I wasn't sure if I wanted to join that world, but I have found so many other people out there who have or who are going through the same thing. Grief can feel so lonely and whilst no-one else knows EXACTLY what you're going through, many others can relate and help talk about how you're doing and offer advice. Instagram has a range of people out there who you can connect to along with counseling, memorial products and much more to help you. We're on there too - harryshealinghub.

What still isn’t working?

Walking in our usual park(s) – We still can’t face walking in our local park where we used to go with Harry. This is too hard. There are so many memories contained in that park where we spent two, three times a day with him. Every little rock or tree he went to, all his favourite places to sniff and of course all his friends are there. It’s still too soon and I feel like it’ll be this way for a very long time!

Another dog? – As much as I love dogs and want to see a rescue dog given another chance at life in a loving home, I can’t bring myself to take that step. Harry still very much has my heart. I believe he was truly perfect for us, and we could never ever replace him or even want to. There are many wonderful companions out there and maybe one day when the time is right, a special little one will find us. Harry found us when we needed him most, and maybe that will happen again.

Silence in the house - I find the silence in the house to be deafening. No pitter patter of little paws across the floor, no woofy when someone knocks the door. No lapping at the water bowl or playfully sqeaking his little toys. I need to have noise, so will put the TV on, music, or potter about cleaning just to have something to drown out the noise I'm missing the most.

If you have any suggestions that will help others try to work their way through the grief and pain of losing their loved one, please comment below or email harryshealinghub@outlook.com so we can share all the ways in which we can honour those we love the most.

Sending love and comfort x