So, here I still am…with your help

It’s been over four months since we said goodbye to Harry, and there hasn’t been a single day since then where I’ve looked back and wished I could have done things differently, didn’t take Harry for granted as much and held him more. I’ve cried a least once a day, every day. Some days I can get quite far through the day, but at some point, it’s going to build up so much that I can’t hold it in anymore. Sometimes it can be random, like washing the dishes and it hits me or sitting in the car park just as I’m about to head to the shop. I can’t get out of the car, I’m thinking of Harry, I’m missing him so much, and he isn’t coming back, ever.

I do the ‘please can I have just five more minutes’ beg every day. I tell Harry I love him, I’m sorry that I let him down and should have done more (yes back to the land of Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda here), and I think about how when I go, I’ll hold him in my arms for eternity.

Some days are a little better than others, I use social media more than I ever did before. It has been a great outlet for releasing the feelings I have out there. There are friends and family but for me, they don’t understand the connection I had with Harry or how profound his passing has had on my life. We have an Instagram account harryshealinghub and I’ve used that to slowly build up my content by posting about how I feel, about Harry and link to this website to let people know they aren’t alone and to be there to offer advice on grieving and about canine chronic kidney disease. So far, I’ve made connections with a supportive and wonderfully uplifting community. People have sent messages and support about pet loss and the journeys that they have gone through. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone else, but it has helped me a lot speaking to others who have lost their most loved family members. I understand that this might not be for everyone, but as free resource, it has been a great way to find a community of like-minded people from across the world.

I have a small account so far, and that’s OK. I follow many other inspiring people who post about their lives, not just about loss, but their journey to recovery and healing. These are the people I aspire to be like. Honest, brave, and supportive to complete strangers, who can see are desperate for help. There are positive accounts about animal rescue and truly amazing stories about the best of human kind out there helping those little angels who need it the most.

One account belongs to ‘fureversoulmates’ run by Mikki Moon, an absolute gem of a human being who has rescued many, many little lost souls who needed so much love after being horribly neglected and abused. Mikki reached out and sent the most wonderful message of support about my account and the posts I had been making about Harry.

Mikki wrote a book called ‘Why do dogs die?’, (available on Amazon) in the midst of her own grief, so understands the complexity and unrelentingly painful process all too well. Positivity and kindness in abundance is found here.

Another account that has helped me is called ‘westie_taps’, here is another superhuman navigating their own way through loss, whilst helping those going through the same. A beautifully written, honest account of their life with their beloved soul pet. You sometimes need to reflect on the lives of others to understand your own feelings and this account helps to do exactly that. Brave, strong and a heart full of love for her beautiful Westie Taps.

There’s also ‘petlosspsychologist’ by Dr Kate Lawlor, who specialises in grief psychology. If you are anything like me and have an overactive, overthinking brain with intrusive thoughts, this is something I would recommend. Gentle affirmations and sound written advice that acknowledges all aspects of grief.

I’ve been in that dark place and still travel back to it from time to time. Sometimes staying longer than I should, but having a small window of relief can make the biggest difference. I can breathe for a minute or two and I can let my shoulders drop for a bit. Can I give myself a break and allow myself to think of a happy moment with Harry for now? Look at a photo of Harry sitting in the sun, in a place he loved so much. Be happy that we had moments of such great love and peace.

So, I’m still here and thanks to the help of others out there. I still feel raw and hurt and I ache from the agony of grief, but I have made small steps forward to no longer just being a shell of my former self. No doubt about it that I am forever changed as a person after losing Harry, but I can’t and mustn’t allow Harry’s whole wonderful life to just be about his death.

I still talk to Harry every day and sit with his memorial stone next to me, carry it upstairs at bedtime and lay him on his blankie next to our bed. What I have learnt and know, is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and some days will be dark and painful whilst others will be a bit brighter, there’s no way of knowing what the day holds when you’re grieving, so I’ve learned to let up on myself and just go with it.

Try and talk, to someone who understands what you’re going through from a family member to a complete stranger. There is support out there, you aren’t alone and never will be, so please reach out, there’s no need to suffer in silence.

Here I still am and here I will be, and here you are – so what would you like to say about your loved one? What would you like to tell the world about how they made you feel or how you’re feeling now? Share your story and post any comments below or email us, we’d love to hear from you. This burden isn’t yours alone to carry.

Sending love and comfort to you x