Si je te perds, je suis perdu. If I lose you, I am lost

Since losing Harry that’s how I have felt, lost, plus a range of other emotions – heartbroken, desperately sad, full of guilt, remorse, grief, and anger. To say I fell into a dark hole with blinding pain and rage is an understatement.

It all seemed to happen suddenly. Harry had been in the vets for two nights and three days because his blood tests weren’t good, his kidneys were failing. This changed drastically within a couple of weeks it seemed, from being fully active to this. Harry wasn’t able to eat, or drink properly. He couldn’t walk and he could barely sit up in his bed basket. After he came home from the vets, we all slept together downstairs for two weeks. Waking every hour or so, to check Harry was OK and trying to drip water from our hands into his mouth, to try and get some more fluids in him. We bought roast beef and roast chicken, his favourites, which he hadn’t been able to eat because of the CKD, and he didn’t/couldn’t eat it. Our hearts were breaking. I was willing him to stay, to go on and not to leave us.

Then before we knew it, decisions needed to be made and of course we didn’t want to see Harry suffering, I also didn’t want him to go. We didn’t want to say goodbye. We tried everything possible and spoke to so many vets for their advice. They all said the same thing, Harry won’t get any better, only worse. We researched what else we could do; can Harry manage on painkillers? Can we ‘up’ the medication? Desperation is an understatement. I cried and kept crying (still do) everyday so far for three months. We’re really losing him.

I remember thinking that I wished that Harry would pass away in his sleep, so we didn’t have to make that decision. I thought about asking the vet to come to the house so he could pass here at home, but we had to ‘book’ in the vet for a particular time and day, which didn’t feel right, because we’d be sitting there waiting for them to arrive, watching the clock tick by. There was also the worry of something going wrong at home or Harry being upset about strangers in the house and he’d get stressed and that’s what we’d end up being left to remember in the house.

Harry looked tired, more than tired, utterly drained. But I still couldn’t say goodbye, until the vet revealed the kidney scans. There was little to absolutely no function left and he would be in pain from it. We wrapped him in his favourite bedtime blanket with his most loved toys, Santy and Lion and made the journey to the vet. I honestly wish I could have just died with Harry at the same time. We held him close and kept talking to him the whole time. ‘We love you so much, Mammy and Daddy are here, and we’ll always be with you’.

I replay the whole thing over and over again. People always say, ‘oh you know when it’s the right time to let them go’. Well I didn’t, and I still don’t. All I felt, and still feel, is incredible guilt over it all. What did we do wrong? What we could have done instead? Should I have not gone that day and had more time with him? Dissecting the years with Harry and anger aimed at myself/us for not picking up on things sooner, doing things like giving duck chews when he shouldn’t have had them. In short, I feel like a total monster. Having to take Harry to the vets and go through saying goodbye like that, was the worst thing to ever happen to me. I’ve experienced death with close family members, and this is by far the worst.

My best friend, my little baby boy was gone. Now I’m completely broken, and I’m truly lost. Waking in tears, falling asleep in tears, days are passing, and they are all a blur. I couldn’t leave the house, but I needed to the leave the house, only to return with a stabbing pain to the heart because Harry wasn’t there to great us on the stairs with kisses.

My world, my centre of gravity had been taken away and I was spinning in blackness and with nothing to hang on to, no focus at all. I tried to look online for help, I needed to speak to someone about how I was feeling. This was the first time I had ever gone through this, and I was having all these really dark thoughts.

I wandered into my local church and sat there crying. Not knowing what else to do after walking aimlessly around town all day, frightened to go home and face not seeing Harry there. I spoke with the Reverend, who was very understanding and welcomed me to come and talk anytime. I’m not religious, but found some comfort in going there, where there was peace and a friendly person to talk to with no judgement.

I spoke with my local GP to ask for help to sleep and for a referral for counselling to see if I can talk about what had happened and work out all these thoughts in my head. All the people we used to see daily in the parks on our walks hadn’t spoken to us, maybe they don’t know what to say, but that hurts not seeing them as part of our daily routine too. Harry loved his friends in the park, and I miss watching him enjoy spending time with them all.

I also contacted the Blue Cross helpline, a charity who are run by volunteers, all of whom have been through the same loss of parting with their companions, so understand the pain. I spoke to someone who like me, struggled with the guilt of having to go through making that decision and like me, had no other family or focus on in their life, apart from their animal family members. It helped somewhat, as they understand what it is like to live through it. But your grief and loss are unique to you, and this is why it feels so lonely.

This feeling of loss/ of being lost is understandably common, as you have spent all your time and days, years with them being a part of your everyday routine. So now what? Get another dog? I think not. That isn’t the answer for me yet. The raw thought of having to go through this again is enough to say no. BUT, if we do, it’ll be a rescue dog who deserves to have so much love and happiness.

Harry really was a part of me, I truly believe that he was part of my soul. He was perfect in every way for us and I’m so desperately sad that he has gone, and I miss all the things that we won’t be able to do together anymore. Even just snuggling up on the sofa in our blanket, looking at his beautiful little face and spending time walking through the parks. For me, there is nothing in this world that can fill that gap, nothing that can replace or ever would replace Harry. I also wonder if I could ever love another, like the way I love Harry. Probably not.

So, I am lost, and I feel it deeply. I try to move along with life, doing the daily things you ‘should’ be doing, but something is missing in me. Something inside has been broken and cannot be fixed. I’m like a tiny ship in the massive stormy ocean, trying to navigate my way through somehow, but it’s dark and I don’t know where I’m going or if I even have the energy to get through it all.

I’m not sure how I move on from here, and I think that I’ll always be tormented from the trauma of that day, saying goodbye even though I didn’t want to, having to watch as he feel asleep and pass away taking his last breaths. I know I will carry it with me through the rest of my life.

There are small beams of light that shine through and that’s the thought of all the other memories of Harry. This is this the light Harry has left behind to help see us through all this darkness. Those thoughts of Harry get me through the day, all the wonderful things he did every day and how lucky we are to have been a part of his life. I’m so proud of my boy. My grief and love know no end. Mammy loves you so much my baby boy and I’ll love you for eternity. With you, I am no longer lost x

Please seek help with your loss, find a local charity such as Samaritans or Blue Cross. You can find help in the most unlikely of places. People you get speaking to when out and about, a local church or café. Online forums or places like here, where you can voice your opinion and have your grief heard. The thoughts you’re having are normal and you won’t be alone in thinking them, no matter how deep or dark they are. There are people out there who have been through this, us included. It’s a devastating time and you needn’t be alone. Be kind to yourself and reach out.

Sending love and comfort x