How I'm trying to carry on
I’m going to start by saying that I am still struggling with losing Harry. Having to say goodbye is the hardest and worst thing I have ever had to do. Harry was such a massive part of my heart, he was our family, my little boy. My love for Harry is still here, even more so since he’s gone, but there’s nowhere for my love to go, so it outpours as grief, feeling lost, angry, as well as physical pain. There hasn’t been a single day since Harry has gone where I haven’t cried at least once in the day. I'm trying my best to carry on, but I do wonder if this part of my heart will always be broken.
No matter how busy I try to keep myself, at some point in the day, it will all come to the surface and spill out. My tears will flow and often I’ll properly sob crying because I feel guilty that I wasn’t thinking about Harry enough during the day. During the first few days, there was nothing but tears. I couldn’t face seeing anyone at all, but I felt really alone. I couldn’t explain how I felt about Harry and what we meant to each other. It’s so unique and personal that no one could understand it. Grief is as individual and different as each person.
So what can we do? In the early days, there is nothing really. The only advice I could give which worked for me was to let it all wash over you again and again. The tears, the screaming, and the repetitive questions; Why did this happen? What am I going to do? I miss Harry and I just want to be with him went round and round. Even all the really dark thoughts I had, I allowed to come and go. I knew when I couldn’t stop thinking these dark thoughts about not wanting to be here without him, was when I needed to reach out and get help. I spoke to my local GP, I needed to try and get help with sleep and my thoughts. Sleeping medication helped slightly, even though I’d wake feeling panicked and in tears day after day and fall asleep exhausted again. The medication gave a small bit of relief in getting to sleep, even just for a few hours. I was offered anti-depressants and I think these are useful if you are also receiving help through someone else like counselling. I chose the counselling route without medication. Why? Because a part of me wanted to continue through my grief journey and feeling everything that came up. I will say that I gave myself a timeline and if I wasn’t feeling like I was dealing with things, then absolutely I would start the medication. I recommend getting help from your GP and working out a plan for seeking help and if need be medication on recommendation of your GP and how you feel. It's important to get the right help for you. This in itself gives you something to focus on, even just for a small part of your day.
What else worked for me?
Started a journal – Writing everyday to Harry/to myself has helped me empty my thoughts onto paper. I started writing about all the pain and suffering I am feeling, but then thought that was only a small part of Harry’s life with us, so I started writing down my good memories of Harry and all the wonderful and funny things he did everyday. It's important to remember the good times too, afterall there were many many more of those.
Went to Church – I’m not religious and this won’t suit everyone, but I walked into my local church. I felt lost and wasn’t sure where I could go, church seemed like a peaceful place to just sit and be. I spoke to the Reverend and he put me in touch with someone from the parish who had also just lost their beloved little companion. It was good to talk to someone I didn’t know, who didn’t know me, but we could relate through our pain. The church is always open and lighting a candle and putting Harry’s name in the book of prayers helped to honour and remember him in my own way.
Walked A LOT! – This is a difficult one because in the beginning I couldn't be in the house without Harry being there, so I wandered for hours and hours around our local town centre, anywhere that I didn’t used to walk with Harry. Parks and beaches were out, so were any other places we used to take Harry. Shops made sense to me, because they are busy, lots of noise and you can just wander aimlessly all day if you need to, stopping in a busy café for something to eat. Of course, at some point I’d have to return home to the empty house with no Harry to greet us, that’s the hardest part and I’ll often break down as I enter the door. But getting out for a while gives me time to breathe in between the grief. I’ve cried in shops and walking down the street too, but keep moving, keep your head high and take deep breaths.
Joining a new group/activity – Another tough one because I’m not naturally a ‘people’ person, more of an animal person. But I looked for local activities in my area, not associated with anyone I know from the parks with Harry, so people wouldn’t ask me questions about where Harry is. Groups like gardening or city tour walks. Even groups like cooking classes or an evening in a local place that does a good coffee and has a place for you to sit for a while with a book or laptop. Just so you aren’t in the house all day sitting there with your memories and grief. People naturally start talking to each other and you can sometimes find someone to talk to if you want to, or just sit and be for a while with others around you.
Counselling – At the end of the day, I needed someone to talk to, to be open and honest with. There is a time when you need to start talking about how you’re feeling and not keep it all inside. It might not work for everyone, but if you can give it a go and try to speak to someone who understands what its like to lose someone they love, then you’ll begin to know you’re not alone in this. You have someone.
Here are the names of some support organisations, who you can turn to for help and guidance (UK);
At a Loss
Blue Cross
Breathe
Cruse Bereavement Care - 0808 808 1677
Mind
Medhelp
Moodscope
Samaritans – 116 123
The Good Grief Trust
Being with Harry’s belongings – We still have all of Harry’s belongings. Everything from his baskets to his coats, lead, toys, blankets, shampoo, brush and even his medication. I sometimes sit and have a really good cry looking at them and holding them. They were his favourite things and we loved watching him snuggle up in his blanket with us or playing with his toys. They are all so special, so we have put them into a room and go in now and again to be with them. One day, I will sort them properly into a little cupboard or drawers, they are a part of him, and I want to keep anything that is Harry's.
Keep a routine (of sorts) – Our old routine of walking Harry twice, maybe more everyday plus all the other things we’d do together, was gone. Our routine changed completely, so I try to do a new routine, making sure I get up at the same time, do yoga or cardio and get ready for the day, even if I don’t feel like it or don’t end up making it out of the house that day. Make sure you look after yourself, you need to eat as well as you can and get some fresh air. Small things like a good meal and ten minutes of fresh air on your face will help, even if you can’t feel it because your heart is hurting, it will help! If you aren’t looking after yourself, you’ll end up so run down and ill that you won’t be able to talk to people about how amazing your best friend/little one was, and that’s so important.
What didn’t/doesn’t work for me?
Walking in parks, places I went with Harry – I can’t step foot in our local parks, it’s too painful. They are full of too many memories and people we used to see, plus all of Harry’s friends. I do miss the social side of life that Harry gave me, the people I met and my mental and physical health vastly improved, all because of Harry. One day I’ll be able to face it, but for now, it’s too much.
Get another dog/pet – Oh how many times have I heard ‘get another dog’. No, not for me, not now. Harry is very much a part of my life and heart, and I don’t feel like now is the time for another one. Harry’s passing was way too soon, we didn’t have ALL those years together that we should have. He didn’t die peacefully in his sleep at home with us in old age and I’m not ready to bring another into our home where Harry should be. My grief and love are for Harry, and I feel like it wouldn’t be fair on a new family member if I feel this way. I understand why people do get another soon, but this isn’t for us. Never say never because Harry brought us so much happiness and love and one day it would be nice to have that happiness in our home again.
Donating/selling Harry’s belongings – This is something I do not want to do, say goodbye to Harry’s possessions on top of losing him. I hold them, look at them and be with them for a while, which brings me comfort (as well as pain), but to give those away would feel like I was losing him again.
Talking about Harry over and over again to people – I love to talk about Harry, but right now I can’t talk about him without having that crushing feeling start to rise up. Asking what happened to him? Wanting to know the ins and outs of the details. People mean well and often don’t know what to say (or might not say anything at all, which I have come to learn who your friends are!). True friends will reach out and understand that you might not want to talk about them yet. When you are ready, then you will open up to them, but it’s OK to not want to talk about them every time you see them. If you do, then that’s OK too.
Looking through photos and videos – I want to be able to look through all the photos and smile at each and every one of them, but it's too much for me just now, I'm still feeling the raw effects of Harry not being here. One day, I'd like to be able to print off some of those special memories and put them all around the home.
I hope that this helps someone out there and gives a small sense of direction. Going through this isn’t easy at all. There are organisations and people out there who can help you. I’m still ‘in that place’ but making an effort with Harry in my heart to keep moving forward. I’ll always grieve for Harry, he’s the best thing to ever happen to me and I want everyone to know that and how proud I am of him every day. I’ll always love you my boy x
If you have any suggestions on things that have helped you cope with your loss, I’d love to hear them and also the things that didn’t help! Please comment and connect below.
Sending love and comfort to you x
