Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

Since losing Harry, I have spent a great deal of time reflecting and looking back at all those things I should have done, would have done, and could have done, when he was here.

It’s painful, and I often feel angry, there’s no doubt about that. I look back and see so many things I wish I could change, would have done better, could have tried harder for him.

I should have picked up on the changes he was going through because of his kidney disease, like the amount of water he was drinking had increased and he was walking slower, sleeping more, and less appetite. I shouldn’t have given him so many treats, I could have given him more healthier options instead of those duck chews.

I could have spent more time with him, not on my phone. I should have spent more time in the park playing so he could be with his friends and not rushing to get back home so quickly.

I really wish I would have appreciated him more whilst he was here, spent more time in his company, just being together.

I tear myself apart over the last dew days of his life and then making that final decision. No, I haven’t ‘come to terms with it’ yet, and I think the dawning realisation is that I never will. I’m not OK with it, I’m not ever going to be OK that he’s not here and that he should have been here for longer. There are so many things that we would be doing now if he was. I could take him out, play, hold him, tell him I love him and make him happier that he ever was before.

I don’t want to live in the land of shoulda, woulda, coulda, I know it won’t get my anywhere. It’s full of regrets and hindsight. There’s no way out of it, except to move forward and carry it with me.

Part of it is knowing and understanding that as much as you want to control things in life, you just can’t. There are things that happen which are totally out of your control. It has nothing to do with you being a good or bad person or karma or anything like that. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. This alone is enough for me to struggle with. I believe that ‘what goes around comes around’, so what does this say about me, about Harry?

Harry really did not deserve this to happen, he should be here, living a happy life. If I could, I would bring him back in a heartbeat. Sometimes, I think if I wish it hard enough, maybe someone will hear me, and it could happen.

I can’t go back and change what has happened, I wish I could more than anything.

I should remember Harry as I want to and allow myself time and space to grieve, no matter how long that takes.

I could try to remember the happier times and not just the sad heart-breaking last few days and saying goodbye. Harry’s life should not just be about his death.

Things would be better if Harry was here, no doubt about that, but I will honour him and remember him and hold in in my heart for the rest of my days. Harry will always be my little boy.

We can live a life full of regrets and looking back, but if I did that after I lost my Dad, then I would never of had Harry. I allowed my heart to become open again and he came into our lives. I would never doubt for a moment, that it was meant to be – he found us, and if I was to do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat.

If you have any questions or comments you would like to share, please let us know below or email us at harryshealinghub@outlook.com

What should you do to make sure you look after yourself in your darkest days? What could you do to remember your lost loved one(s)? What would you do, if you could do it all over again?

Sending love and comfort to you x